Not anymore

“Don’t let the heart that didn’t love you, keep you from the one that will.”

I always end up mastered by my emotions.

The biggest regret I have in life are the moments I chose to feed my emotions. That is my greatest weakness. I was so emotionally attached to people surrounding me. I always wanted to stay with them through hardships and even betrayals because I believe I can be a better friend to them. Not knowing it will slowly kill me inside to witness eye-to-eye how they value me as a human being.

I grew up in a very well-mannered and close family ties. I am used to being thoughtful and selfless when it comes to family matters. I think my family has done a wonderful job on that part. That is why as I grew older encountering different kinds of people, I can’t help but to apply those traits to them as well. I cherish my friends each day, giving even what is not due to them, loving them despite of their attitude towards me, and most especially being with them through thick and thin.

I was always the one to forgive even if my friend did not deserve it, and resist to ask for it. I was always the one to endure the pain, and tries to forget everything. After all, I want to stay for some other things that my friend did to me. So it was just fair, I thought so. But slowly, the pain caused me nights of depression and tears. I felt I was never enough for anyone, that they can just easily decide to hurt me.

Am I too naive or just so ignorant to see the reality? What am I to loose after all, right? But how can you expect someone to forgive to people who constantly wronged them for the same exact situations? Is it not enough to be rejected once? Betrayed badly by a close friend who instantly want you out of their life? Spoken wrongly by peers you once fight for? I am still human, just so you know.

Then, I became tired. I became hopeless. I can’t think of anything more useful to do than to cry and feel the pain slowly and deeply. I wanted this, right? But as I grew older, the pain I thought I had already released to God has grown deep in my heart. I even felt nothing because I became used to it. Unfortunately, there was one instance that it just became worse.

But then I promise myself, not anymore.

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