Every time I try to help someone, I am put in a bad place. Every time I try to be myself, someone will get in my way. Every time I try to give, people suck everything out of me. Every time I try to see the best out of a person, they prove me the opposite. Every time I give, I am left empty. Is it good?
Guess not. I have been experiencing same situations that lead me to loneliness and sadness. I felt I can not be good enough. One way or the other, people did not appreciate what I had to do and what I had to offer. They speak of evil things behind my back. They accused me of the things I did not intend to do in the first place. Most of all, they leave me in the moment when everything’s falling apart in my world.
I tried to rationalize things. I told myself, this is always my choice. I always try to give until it hurts because I believe it will be beneficial to the people I long to help and to me. But for the longest time, they are the only ones who are happy.
One day, some guy told me his appreciation for me. He loves me, he thought. And being the person in the receiving end of love, it was such a heavenly feeling. But then again, he told me that while he is committed with a woman he has loved for 8 years. How can I believe that? I was so disappointed I wanted to be angry but I can’t. Lord, why is it so hard? Can’t I express the hurt and pain he has caused me? Well, it does not end there.
I believe when you are able, you are responsible. If I were to put my feet inside the shoes of his woman, I would want their relationship to work. So I decided I will help them. But since our motives and agendas are not the same, we are of conflicts to each other. The more I get in touch with him, the more he took advantage of me. How can I control those feelings of his when he had to tell me every time that he admires me? How can he hurt me so much that I am now fearful to the love that someone in the future will give me? Even so, I still welcomed him.
I know I had to do what I wanted to do. I wanted him to realize that love is not about feelings that when he feels betrayed or unloved, he stops. Love is a decision and a commitment to consistently express that love. I know that love, even though I haven’t been committed or in a relationship. It is because I knew God and I have intimate relationship with Him. I wanted to share that to him, but I think he needs to figure it out himself. I need to stay away from him in order to help him.
That’s what happened. I didn’t know how I had dealt will all of it, but I believe everything happens for a reason. Today I realized that strength is not an option for me. It is a necessity. Because If I have none, I may not be able to withstand all of the storms in life. I am the only one who can help myself and I need to be stronger. For now, I can tell myself that everything will be okay and fine. Life continues after all.
My prayer is that when the right love comes, I am ready and prepared. I am never fearful of what’s going to happen. I will never be doubtful for the best man God has for me. When that time comes, I believe I will be the happiest person on earth. I may be empty right now and cannot give something, but the right man for me will love me for what I am. Then I will know, everything I had experienced is more than enough.